Realizing the Plan of Happiness

The underlying fear I have noticed from all of the responses I received is the fear associated with the plan of happiness. And overall the fear is associated with lack of understanding pertaining to Heavenly Father's plan. Daniel Judd writes about the importance of understanding this plan in the 23rd Chapter of Successful Marriages & Families.

Overall, Judd doesn't speak on anything more than what we have already about the Plan of Salvation. He talks about the creation, the fall, and the atonement of Jesus Christ. Judd's focus is more on the importance of understanding this plan of happiness.

He explains, "Although the exact nature of family relationships after this life has not been fully revealed and we do not fully comprehend what God has prepared for the righteous, the Lord has revealed that marriage is essential for exaltation in the celestial kingdom."

I had an opportunity to present this information to everyone that I interviewed, regardless of the fear they mentioned. I went to each person one by one and recited this quote for them, asking them what their overall reaction was. I received several reactions from each person. Each person always started their response saying they know this information and this was something they've been taught several times. I then asked them what spiritual implications this had and how that related to their fear. I will highlight some of the responses I got:

"...I think the hardest thing for me to do is realize that the Lord has created this plan as a plan for happiness. I sometimes get so caught up in the trials that I forget the Lord wants me to be happy. How can I be happy when I'm afraid of the very thing that is designed to make me happy?"

"The days when I know what the plan of happiness is are the days I see the Lord for who He really is." 

"This is actually the first time I thought of how this might apply to my trial. I'm sure I've heard this before in Sunday School lessons but I never thought of how the plan of happiness related to my trials. I always thought of the plan as doctrine pertaining to family. But now that you mention that I can see that the plan is really about God's love for me. He loves me and so He made this plan. That makes me feel good actually...I feel like I'm finding comfort in my trials for the first time, like true comfort." 

More than anything these posts are intended to bring to light what many people fear pertaining to family and allow them to learn from that fear. Life has many obstacles and it will continue to have more. We will battle infertility, loss of a family member, feelings of abandonment and loneliness, loss of friendships, etc. These trials will come without warning most of the time and we will still be expected to continue with life normally. This book has provided me with more insight with the antithesis to the fears we have. For every fear there is gospel principle designed to help us. My hope is that anyone who reads this can see the benefit in the family, the gospel of Jesus Christ and the hope it provides.

Know that you are loved and cared for. Don't ever give up on your quest toward happiness.

Supporting the Family Policies

One thing that seems to be attacked more in our society than ever before is the definition of the family. The family unit is so vital to our happiness and yet there are so few people who have taken a direct stand to protect the family.

In Chapter 28 of Successful Marriages & Families, Michael Seipel discusses the role our government plays in the definition of the family as well as the development of the emotions surrounding it. One thing Seipel points out is that there are several developed countries that have benefits directly tied to the family. One example would be France, where there are services available to provide direct families with benefits towards child rearing. In these countries the government's role is accepted and appreciated. However, some argue that the government has no place in the matters of the family. The United States has mostly stayed away from in depth involvement in the family, though there are some services that are meant to directly assist families. The medical insurances, for example, that are available for poor families with children are meant to provide every child with healthcare to further assist them in their development. Some other services were created to assist the family, such as Social Security, however some people have misunderstood its purpose and used this program as a method for their own retirement accounts. The welfare program was designed as a temporary relief for families where their circumstances have not allowed for a parent or both parents to work. There are several state programs designed for this as well. Unfortunately, this program has been seen by some as a method of acquiring money without having to work.

Despite the negative association with some of these programs, there are some programs and laws that have been developed for the sole benefit of the family and Seipel provides explanation of such programs and laws. One is the Living Wage Law. This law was designed to be timed just perfectly so that the low-income worker can climb out of poverty. The current minimum wage is $7.25 per hour. Seipel explains, "[The] full-time workers working all year long will earn $13,920-far short of the $18,310 federal poverty guideline for a family of three." He explains that the law is not in full support as it should be but that there are some states that are rising to the opportunity to support this law. We are citizens can find out more about what we can do to help by researching this policy.

Another law is Earned Income Tax Credit. Seipel explains the benefit of the program:

All low-wage workers qualify for the program. The value of EITC that a family receives depends on the family's income and size. The  benefits increase as earnings rise until they reach an income of $12,030 for a couple with two children...For example, a married couple with two children receives a maximum benefit of $4,824 as their income reaches $12,060. Once the worker's income exceeds that level, the benefits begin to decline and are phased out completely as they reach a maximum income of $41,646...Thus the program encourages people to earn as much as they can without fear of losing all benefits.

These two laws are just two of many that have been passed to provide more relief for struggling families and support for them. And while these programs are not perfect, they are designed to support the family and we as a society can help by supporting these laws and programs as well as educating ourselves on them. Through our participation we can make a difference on our society. There is plenty of work to do.

Here's another article that might help.

Finding Peace in the Midst of Pain

W. David Robinson, Jason Carroll and Elaine Marshall start Chapter 23 of Successful Marriages & Families with a quote:

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters...accepted [God's] plan by which his children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection...The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave.

This post is going to talk most about how to heal after losing a loved one in the family. I spoke to someone who dealt with this issue and I quoted them in one of my other posts. I also posted a Mormon Message that talks about what one man had to overcome after losing several family members in a car accident. For this post, I thought I would let the words of the authors speak for themselves, as this is a very difficult subject for many who have gone through it and having not had to battle this personally I thought they would be able to shed more wisdom than I.

The authors begin the chapter quoting President James E. Faust. Faust expresses the type of pain that comes from such painful circumstances but offers council on the hope that can result from spiritual healing through knowledge of the plan of happiness:

Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow and often heartbreak for everyone  including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful...[This] refining process...often seems cruel and hard [and] for some the refiner's fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. 

The authors continue to write about the importance of finding meaning in the struggles we go through in our families. They teach that the truths of the gospel give us an opportunity to find spiritual comfort in the midst of our trials. And though it may not be simple to see the "bright side" of things, we can always find it if we look for it. Understanding the Atonement can offer us peace and comfort, for when there seems to be no one around who could possibly understand our pain, there is one who suffered all things for us: Jesus Christ.

It seems then that  the way to overcome the adversity and pain caused by a trial is to grow in faith. If we can learn to understand our Heavenly Father's plan for us we can start to see our life through His eyes. This is a lesson I have had to learn as well.

A couple of months ago I learned through medical tests that I do not naturally ovulate very well. My husband and I have been trying for children since October 2012 but I have a history of amenorrhea so I knew we might have trouble. My fear was confirmed through the blood tests I got. I started out this trial thinking selfishly: Why am I not pregnant? Am I not worthy enough? How come these teenage girls who are way too young to be mom's are getting the chance and here I am fighting for something that the Lord has commanded us to do? That was the first stage. The second stage was questioning what exactly faith meant. Does faith mean that I'll believe in God so long as I get my way? Certainly not. Does faith mean that if the Lord doesn't give me the chance to be a mom right now that he must not see me as worthy? Definitely not. Faith, I had to learn, was an eternal principle based on knowledge of things as the actually are, not as I desire them to be. The third stage was then changing my perspective. I began this trial feeling like I was being punished. I have gotten to the point now where I can see the blessings despite the pain. I can see how the Lord has still provided for me even though I'm not pregnant yet. He has still given me amazing blessings. And I have learned that what I don't have should not be a measure of the Lord's love for me. Instead I have to look at what I do have.

More than anything this post is about opening the heart enough to allow a different perspective to enter. It is about realizing what the most important things in life are about. It is about seeing more than just the loss. It is about counting blessings and finding comfort through the strength of others as well as the life of Jesus Christ.

Here's my blog where I've written about my own struggles with fertility. I hope the information I have provided can be helpful for someone out there.

Finding the Time for Family

Mark Widmer and Stacy Taniguchi address an important aspect of the family in Chapter 22 of Successful Marriages and Families: Wholesome Recreation. In a day where Facebook, cell phones and internet take most of the attention we deserve as parents away from us, finding wholesome recreational activities becomes difficult. Lately people have lost more patience and have found it more difficult over time to sit through any one activity for longer than 5 minutes. The activity has to be extremely interesting in order to capture the attention of children/teens/young adults. Widmer and Taniguchi give some advice on what parents can do.

Try to find activities for teens that might help them to identify their skills with activities. Widmer and Taniguchi wrote, "As [teenagers] engage in specific activities and develop higher levels of skill, the activities and skills become integrated into their identities. For example, teenagers who study and learn music begin to see themselves as musical." Starting out with activities that you know may cultivate the skills your teen already has may help them to develop their identity and will provide the family with an opportunity to share in that experience. A concert would be great for a musician, a sports game for a sports fanatic, or a fine dining restaurant for culinary skill sets. 

Don't be afraid to play with your children. Sometimes parents feel that their children should play with other children but there are remarkable benefits when parents play with their kids. Widmer and Taniguchi write, "Parents interested in helping their children become flexible and curious should spend quality playtime with them and model good sportsmanship, kindness and fair play. Time spent playing with children also helps them become more secure and independent". Board games are a great way to teach children to take turns and follow rules. Outdoor games will encourage children to get active. Playing with toys teaches children how to interact in social settings. All of these activities would be wholesome family activities for everyone.

Finally, don't feel the need to have the same interests in recreational activities as your spouse. There are several activities we can do but they don't have to be interesting to everyone. Widmer and Taniguchi wrote, "You might think the secret to a great marriage is finding a spouse who loves the same recreational activities that you do. marital satisfaction and stability, however, do not depend on similar recreational interests. For example, research suggests participating in activities both partners enjoy is only moderately related to the husband's marital satisfaction". So if one person love hiking and the other enjoys stargazing, perhaps the couple can hike and once that is done, plop down and stargaze. This could apply to children as well. If one child wants to go out to eat and the other wants to go to a football game, perhaps both could be accomplished. Everyone doesn't have to have the same interests in order to make good use of family recreation. 

The best thing to do is get out there and start. If you can make time for it, you'll be surprised how much it brings your family together. 

The Wayward Child

I am the first person in my family to join The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and having done so I am used to having family members who are not sealed with me in the temple. My husband is the first person who I am sealed to and I am his as well. Coming from this background we have never had to experience the sibling who grew up in the same house as you and yet has lost their testimony of the gospel. Regardless of whether it has happened to us in the past or whether it is part of the future for our family, however, every family will have to face this trial.

My friend Afton got married over 2 years ago. She was married in the temple to her returned missionary husband when she was 19 years old. This friend is the person who introduced me to the gospel when I was in high school and I took the missionary lessons in her home with her entire family. Currently her two brothers and her husband are all inactive. I was talking to her about the feelings she had based on that. Here is what she said:

The hardest part is feeling like I may never see them come back to the church ever. I don't know if they're going to ever regain the testimony they had for so long. I sometimes get so worried about my brothers because I don't understand how they could have gone away from the church and they were in the same house as me. I'm not sure when this trial is going to end and that scares me. Is my husband ever going to come back to the church? 

In Chapter 16 of Successful Marriages & Families an experience is recounted of a father who had to turn his daughter away from the home. "I remember lying on the bed....sobbing that I wanted my child back, pure and innocent and part of the family again...how can a father kick one of his daughters out of the home?"

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught an important principle during his ministry:

When a seal is put upon the father and mother, it secures their posterity, so that they cannot be lost, but will be saved by virtue of the covenant of their father and mother.

One of the hardest things any one of us may face in this life is the loss of our children. Either our children may be lost due to illness, as was mentioned before, or they may let go of their testimony of the gospel. At any rate, it is important to know that all is not lost. The Lord will be there for us during a trial such as that and our covenants can still be preserved. I decided to talk to Afton's mom Julia on what has helped her to deal with the trial she is going through from her two sons being inactive. Here's what she had to say:

I feel guilty sometimes. Sometimes I sit and think of what I didn't do that maybe I should have. But most days I remember the Lord knows me. He knows my kids. And He loves them anyway. So in that sense, why can't I? The Lord wouldn't give up on anyone. I can't give up either. It'll work out and I'll just love them in the meantime....the best advice I'd give is to stay strong. Keep hoping. 

Knowing How To Let Go

This one is another personal experience, but this time from my husband's life. Knowing that my husband suffered from a broken home situation when he was younger, I have been very intrigued by his attitude on his family. That attitude has helped me with a fear I had pertaining to family: not being able to forgive.

My husband's mother was pregnant at a young age. When she told my husband's father, he wanted nothing to do with it. She started to consider having an abortion. She didn't feel she was ready to be a mother and knew she would not be able to provide the life for him. Also the father was out of the picture, wanting nothing to do with the situation at all. As she really thought about it, however, she started to feel guilty about the idea. She decided to keep the child anyway. My husband was born and raised by his father's parents first and then by both the biological father and then by the mother throughout the years. Having gone back and forth from one parent to the other created a very inconsistent upbringing for him and developed into feelings of tension. He is still in contact with his both his parents and although he loves them he does not ever want to live with them. There are several situations he outlined for me that I will not share because of their personal nature. It suffices to say he did not have a great upbringing but still seems to love his family.

When he first told me all of this, I asked him "How do you not have feelings of tension towards them? How do you still feel like you can talk to them all the time and not be offended from the choices they made?"

He explained that he has learned to forgive his parents because of what the Lord has promised to those who do. He has felt the peace from letting go of the pain he felt from them and he has felt the joy that took its place.

Elaine Walton and Hilary Hendricks mentioned this idea as well and expresses words of wisdom regarding it:

Interpersonal transgressions are common occurrences in all families. They range from misunderstandings and minor mistakes, such as forgetting to take out the garbage, to more substantive disagreements such as [children's]altercation[s] with [siblings], and grievous sins, such as abuse...although the process of repentance and forgiveness is interpersonal, successful outcomes are profoundly intrapersonal--experienced individually, apart from or in addition to any interpersonal interaction.

 Healing from pain caused by family members can feel like a very difficult thing to do and overall it is a challenge. However, just as Walton and Hendricks pointed out it can lead to a healing process for all involved. Having come from an abusive home it has been difficult sometimes to forgive my father for the daily trespasses he makes against me and my family members. However, learning to let go of that pain will put me in a place of greater peace and joy than I would have imagined otherwise. And that is worth finding, in my opinion.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, Chapter 20

How Should I Parent?

I don't have many friends with kids, as I am only recently married. But I did have one who has a daughter and a son on the way. I asked her what fears she had regarding parenting. This was her response:

Oh man, like what doesn't scare me about it! I feel like there's so many crazies out there and it's like they are waiting to take my daughter down to hell with them. Seriously! Don't laugh, but I really feel like that. Like they are trying to take away my kids! I feel like when it comes time to send my kids to school they're going to get corrupted! It's a constant fear and I don't even know what I'm gonna do. My husband thinks I'm wacko for thinking these things in the first place. He says I should try to have faith in them. Sometimes, now don't judge me...sometimes I honestly wish I would have waited to have kids. I just feel like I'm not mature enough sometimes to know how to protect them. Not that being older would have made it easier I guess...but maybe I would know a little more about what to do? I don't know. Anyway, it's scary!

 There are many LDS members becoming parents every day and the fears of my friend are no stranger to many of the young parents in our church. Several authors dedicate Chapter 10 to just such fears by indicating the need for "inspired, eternal parenting principles that are based on the proclamation and supported by empirical and conceptual scholarship".

First,  we have to realize that every person who comes to this earth has their own personality and their own genetic traits. In other words, there is no "one size fits all" parenting style. One of the best ways we can parent in this situation is to recognize that just as the proclamation says each individual comes with their own spiritual identity. It is a parent's job to identify that identity and cultivate it, providing a nurturing environment for it. The authors explain, "The way individual children respond to their earthly environments is greatly influenced by their spiritual identity and the spiritual gifts cultivated in the premortal realm". Keeping this in mind may help us to see our child eternally, not temporally.

Second, they emphasizes the need for us to parent with love and righteousness. He says, "Important principles found in the scriptures and the proclamation have been taught throughout the ages to assist parents to 'rear their children in love and righteousness' and adapt to child individuality." Each child is going to be different, as each had a different pre-mortal identity. It is not our task as parents to expect our children to all be exactly like us, exactly like each other or exactly like other kids in the church. Each child will be individual and will need our help to support their individuality and sustain their character.

Finally, they teach we need to maintain a strong and positive influence on children. Without our constant strength and influence, we cannot expect our children to turn out better than the world for it will be the world that teaches them. My friend had the idea that the world would shape her children no matter what. But she has not considered that perhaps with her strong influence her children will be able to overcome the world and stay to the true principles they were taught since birth.

I shared all of these things with my friend. It was amazing to see how quickly she turned her thought process around. She was suddenly apologizing for ever doubting her children in the first place. She started feeling like her husband was right, she did not enough faith in them. I assured her that the fears she felt were not just hers. I told her that many people must feel that way and that I could see myself feeling a little afraid about it all. But that the important thing is to recognize that there is a better way to think and if we think that way we will see our children become people we would have never imagined. Knowing that gave her comfort and she was suddenly not the parent who didn't know what she was doing but the parent who was learning how to nurture her children. I'm glad the authors were able to do that for her.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, Chapter 10

Making It Last

To find out what people's fears were pertaining to family I designed a questionnaire and sent it out to many people I knew asking them to fill it out and send it back. One of the questions I asked was, "What does a long term relationship look like to you?"

One of the answers I got back intrigued me and although I won't disclose everything they said in their answer, I know that there is a lot that can be learned from what they said. Here's the response I got from that person:

Long term relationships look like struggles to me. It starts out looking like a perfect family in the gospel and every one's active and obedient. Then there's an illness and the illness of one consumes the health of the others and soon there's nothing more important than the sickness. There's death and months of grief. The father turns away from the church. The mother becomes overzealous and controlling in the home. And then there's the remaining child who is stuck in the middle of it all without having either person to talk to. That's what long term relationship looks like to me. It looks like pain and long-suffering and abandonment.

I naturally felt so much compassion for their story. And it raised a question in me: How do you make it last? How do you keep the family afloat when trials we didn't ask for come our way?

Several authors for chapter 9 of the book sensitively address this type of issue. They mention that there are a few instances where we may find happiness in the marriage an obstacle: Retirement, Empty Nest situation, Care giving, etc. One other thing mentioned is Loss of loved ones. They mention how the difficult is that both people need comforting but both are at an emotionally weakened state. They share a quote from a novelist about a husband suffering the loss of a child, just as the person who answered the questionnaire watched:

He hadn't known how to touch [his wife] or what to say. Before, they had never found themselves broken together. Usually it was one needing the other but not both needing each other...there had been a way...to borrow from the stronger one's strength. 

"Couples in such situations must work to find shared coping mechanisms that unite them," the authors advise, "especially when silent withdrawal into hurt and depression may feel more natural and less painful." By bonding together as a couple, the trial can be overcome together with a foundation of love and understanding existing where they would have otherwise not been.

The person who filled out the questionnaire mentioned that they understood their father and mother walked away from each other when they needed each other the most. And it left them feeling like they were the one who had no one to talk to. All members of the family separated and did nothing to console each other. As a result, the person expressed that his parents are no longer together and the child does not have a very strong relationship with them. I expressed what the book taught, that we have to be willing to go through the trial together. There is no one person who is affected in trials such as this and everyone needs everyone in order to overcome the grief.

It seems that in order to "make it last" there has to be a bonding together. Walking away from each other for any reason would have the opposite effect.

Here's an article I found that might also shed some light.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, Chapter 9

Get Married For What? I'm Good!

Marriage was always something I knew I wanted to take part in since I was a little girl. Granted, I grew up with two parents in the home who are married up to this day. But even when I saw single parent homes, I always knew I didn't want that for my kids and something always felt incomplete about the idea. What has always intrigued me is talking to those who have no interest in getting married at all and do not see the benefit in it.

My cousin is someone who was in this category for a while. He went through most of his adult life with a girlfriend, but no wife. They had been together for 15 years. My cousin was in jail for a while and this woman he was with stuck by his side the whole time. When all other family were not there, she was always there supporting him. So then, why not marry her? Why not make this person a part of your life for the rest of it? 

I asked him about this and his response was typical of what you would hear many young people say: 

Well, I mean, I love her. We know that, you know, I love her. And we already have a happy home, you know. Every thing's already good. They say marriage is so necessary. But they been so many divorces and cheatings, you know? I say, get married for what? I'm good! I got everything I need! Got the woman and everything, don't need no ring to make it official. She know I love her.

 Elizabeth VanDenBerghe and Alan J. Hawkins address what many of the young people are say about marriage. They mention that some researchers have seen a correlation between marriage and less sex, marriage and less overall happiness, and marriage and less desire. People seem to think that when you get married you will lose out on all of the things that you normally would have had had you not married. Some feel that marriage is restricting. Others feel that marriage is just a piece of paper already giving permission for what is already being done, as my cousin believes. But the authors teach that marriage can bring happiness and it is part of God's plan that we do feel happy in our marriages.

Many couples feel the need to try out things before getting married, as a measure of whether they are truly compatible. VanDenBerghe and Hawkins caution, "Living together, far from being the no-risk way to test-drive the relationship, can bring hidden, fine-print clauses in the unread cohabitation contract that trap couples into marriage." Research showed that many people who cohabited before getting married had more divorces and less happiness in the marriage. They caution that many of us think of cohabitation as being the solution to finding out if a person is right for you but the reality is that most people could have found this information out through courtship.

I decided to talk to my cousin about this. I asked him what he thought would change from cohabitation to marriage. He said, "well I guess I don't think of anything changing in the sense of losing her...I think it's just that I don't want things to go sour, you know? We been together so long and we happy now...seems like every time people put a ring on it things go sour. I just want us happy."

The fear my cousin shared is a real one. And it is this that drives so many people to cohabitate and live out their relationship without marriage. However negative the rumors are, marriage is beautiful and it is the method by which we can have the most happiness. To assume that cohabitation is the same as being married is to not truly understand its true purpose and intention. My cousin is one of many who feel marriage is only there to improve the quality of life for those who otherwise would not have it. However, the Lord teaches us in the family proclamation that marriage is necessary and is part of the eternal plan of happiness. Keeping this in mind may help us understand its true necessity and strive for it more.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, Chapter 7

Defining Equality

One of the fastest growing trends I have noticed is that there are many of us young folk who feel that what a man does a woman can also do. This is definitely popular amongst the women such as me. This post's life experience is about me (should be interesting).

I grew up with my mother always working. Mom and dad worked and that was just the way things were. it seemed normal to me since I wasn't LDS growing up and most of the parents of kids I knew in the neighborhood did the same things. I remember always wishing that my mom was able to come get me from school when I was sick or chaperon for our field trip. But she had to work and I understood that was the way it was.

Another thing I noticed about my mother and father's relationship were their roles. I noticed that when it came to getting chores done such as gardening, assembling furniture, cleaning the house, etc., she was expected to do it virtually alone. My father often felt that when he got home from work that it was "his time" to relax. By so doing, he left my mother with the burdens of the household while still having had the same long day he had. She often when have to come home and start the yard work that my father mentioned he would help her with but that he now was not willing to do. As a result of my dad's lack of helping around the house, my brother and I were the appointed helpers. My father's role was present when I was younger, but he was a physically abusive parent and thus it was not the best way to rule things. When my mother finally put her foot down on things his role became non-existent.

One thing I always struggle with is realizing that the roles I saw while growing up are not necessarily the roles that will be acted out in my marriage. Sometimes I get in this mindset that I will be the person doing everything at home while my husband does nothing. However, that is not how things are actually supposed to be.

Valerie Hudson and Richard Miller teach about what equality really is and how we can achieve it:

Equality is all too often used to mean 'identity'; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality...the [family] proclamation teaches that gender is 'an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose...though we all aspire to be of 'one heart and one mind' apparently that does not mean that we will all be identical.

Hudson and Miller go on to explain that gender is not the only thing that determines role. For example, thinking that a woman is responsible for cleaning excludes the male's responsibility to support his wife and teach his children the value of their home by cleaning it. Also, thinking that the man is the only person responsible for presiding in the home excludes the woman's need to preside in the absence of her husband.  From what they is teaching, equality = recognition of balanced roles.

Growing up with a mother that worked has always left me with the desire to help provide for the needs of my family as long as I am able. However, looking all of this over made me wonder what it was that made me feel the need to do that. I started asking myself, 'well if your husband made $100,000 a year, would you still feel the need to work?' I began realizing that it was more about feeling like I needed to be equal to my husband more than that I was trying to provide additional income. And according to the authors and the Proclamation there's no need. There's nothing wrong with me being a woman, staying at home, and raising my kids. And there's nothing wrong with my husband not staying at home and instead working outside the home. We have different roles. And just because we want to be equal doesn't mean we need to be identical.

I can still be a mom providing for my family, whether I work or not. And knowing that is the first step to really getting to know my eternal role in the family.

I have attached an article that might be helpful for this topic as well.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, Chapter 4

Endure 'Till the End

Sally was in a situation where she was still looking for her companion. But what happens when you found them and things are not as peachy as you thought they would be?

I had a chance to interview my friend from Maryland, Hillary. Hillary has been married for 6 years to her husband Richard. I remember when she was telling me about him before she got married and she told me about how great he was as a person. She told me that he had admitted to a few mistakes he had made when he was younger but she said she wasn't worried about them because he had repented. Currently Richard is not active in the church and has not been since shortly after marrying Hillary.

Hillary was devastated when he first expressed his desire to leave stop attending and his lack of testimony regarding it. She could not understand. In addition to this trial she is having, she has also been trying to conceive for the entire 6 years. She has tried medicines and recently had been successful but the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. She expressed her feelings through constantly flowing tears:

"Sometimes I feel like I have no choice but be mad at God...I mean...I've been married in the temple...I was raised in the church....I was active all my life...I read scriptures! How could this happen to ME? I thought I was doing all the right things...why should I be punished with this? It's just not fair! And then sometimes I think to myself, 'maybe if Richard were active we'd have a child.' I could never say that to him...and I know it's wrong to think that way...but I just feel so mad about all of it! And then you see all these other girls...and their pregnant bellies and gorgeous babies...can't help but hate them for it. How am I supposed to be happy in all this? I can't even talk to anyone about it..."

Hillary's question made me think as well: How DO you stay happy with all of it? What is endurance anyway? Is endurance "faking it until you make it" or is it actually being happy about it all? How are you supposed to be happy about something that makes you miserable?

While endurance over all trials is still something that I do not have the answer to, writers Stephen Duncan and Sara Zasukha has given a great answer to how we can have endurance in our marriage. Researchers have noticed that commitment in marriage has led to happiness in each individual as well as for the family as a whole. The writers mention a few ideas for the couple seeking to nurture their commitment in marriage:

• Intentional Personal Dedication: Each person needs to make the decision to be committed to each other despite the difficulties. Duncan and Zasukha write, "This might involve learning to resolve differences in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems." 
• Exclusive Cleaving and Unity: The authors remind us that the Lord commanded in the scriptures that we should cleave onto our spouses. There is meaning in those words and he suggests we consider them.
• Talk As Friends: Duncan and Zahuskha explain, "Sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends."

I share these thoughts with Hillary. The first thing she said was, "...this is the first time someone hasn't asked me to just try to get Richard to go back to church...I feel like for once someone isn't expecting me to just 'fix' him."

Hillary had been struggling to find out how to endure this for a very long time. I could hear the pain in her voice as she tried to tell me all she had been struggling with for the last 6 years. But after hearing these ideas, she realized that her husband was becoming her burden, not her spouse. She had been placing all these frustrations onto him and blaming him mentally for all the ills that came her way. She started to realize that this was an opportunity for them to still draw closer to each other despite the challenges. 

Talking to Hillary made me think of what endurance really meant in the first place. Based on what the authors explained, it wasn't something that just happened. In order to endure both people needed to make the mental decision to do so. A healthy relationship has to be established as well. It seems that endurance isn't faking it until you make it. Instead it is making a choice. This made me question what things in my own marriage might be keeping us from having the enduring mindset. I'd encourage anyone reading this who is married to do the same.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, Chapter 3

Checking Off The List

I had a chance to talk to a friend of mine, whom we'll call Sally, during this project. I asked her what her biggest fear was pertaining to family. She mentioned that she has always heard about how bad "the list" is, but couldn't help but want to see the guy she has have these qualities. She felt like everyone she had gone on a date with was not willing to change to her standards and that frustrated her. As far as she is concerned, she has to have her list satisfied before she can feel the person is the "the one".

Sally comes from a broken home situation. Her father was non-existent in the family and her mother was not ready to raise her at the time. She was raised by her great grandmother until about 16 years of age, when the grandmother died. She had been spoiled rotten by her great-grandmother and had never had to do anything she did not want to do. Things were very much on a "my way or the highway" basis. She recognized that she is at this point single and wants to marry but could not understand what it was that she was doing wrong. A few of the items on her list were as follows:

• No hair that covers the ears.
• Natural hair color only.
• Has to like Abercrombie.
• Has to be 2 years older than her. Only two years.
• Cannot go more than a day without shaving.
• Must be a returned missionary.
• Has to love hiking, but not swimming.
• Has to love reading more than watching TV.
• Has to have 6-pack abs.
• Doesn't wear glasses (only contacts, no colored).
• Has to have both mom and dad, no divorce.

I saw something interesting in Sally that I think happens to a lot of us. We all have a tendency to want things our way and to think that we know things will be best if they are. Human beings are selfish in general and we usually do not want to do or see something that we do not like. But a problem arises from this: How can you truly be open to finding "the one" if you have already decided against most of the male population?

Jason S. Carroll talks about this a lot, amongst other things, in his book Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives. He quotes Elder Bednar on the issue of becoming the right person before getting married:

As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, "Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?" As though they have some checklist of, 'I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things." And I rather forcefully say to them, "You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you're looking for, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?"

He goes on further to describe what the list is really for: you. Sally had not realized that in looking for a returned missionary, she would need to be just as spiritually in tune with him. Otherwise, why would they want to be with someone who would bring them down in spirituality and not practice the habits they developed over the two years? In looking for someone who was physically fit, she had not thought about her own physical fitness and that they may want to go to the gym with her and do physically demanding things with her. That would require a lifestyle change.

The best part of this project is getting to share with the people I speak to what I've learned from Carroll. I presented this information to Sally. In taking in any information that disagrees with our own ideas the first reaction is always denial. Sally held true to this for the first 5 minutes, trying to show me how all of the things she was looking for were eternally important. "If he doesn't shave every day, how can he say he really values his appearance and his body? Our bodies are temples right? So then we should keep them clean!" It was only after about 20 minutes of discussing things that she finally started to see that some of the things she was looking for were not important. I asked her, "What if your guy had everything but the six-pack abs? Or what if it was everything but the love for hiking? Would you turn him away for one thing you didn't get checked off on your list?" 

She finally started to see that the list was holding her back more than helping her. All this time she was looking for "Captain America" and she had finally realized he did not exist. I reassured her that just because he wasn't going to be perfect didn't mean he wouldn't be perfect for her. She decided to completely redo the list and look for things more eternally important while at the same time making sure they were things that matched with her own standards. I told her that may be the first step to finding a companion.

Reference

Successful Marriages & Families: Proclamation Principles & Research Perspectives, chapter 1