Sally was in a situation
where she was still looking for her companion. But what happens when you found
them and things are not as peachy as you thought they would be?
I had a chance to
interview my friend from Maryland, Hillary. Hillary has been married for 6
years to her husband Richard. I remember when she was telling me about him
before she got married and she told me about how great he was as a person. She
told me that he had admitted to a few mistakes he had made when he was younger
but she said she wasn't worried about them because he had repented. Currently
Richard is not active in the church and has not been since shortly after
marrying Hillary.
Hillary was devastated
when he first expressed his desire to leave stop attending and his lack of
testimony regarding it. She could not understand. In addition to this trial she
is having, she has also been trying to conceive for the entire 6 years. She has
tried medicines and recently had been successful but the pregnancy ended in a
miscarriage. She expressed her feelings through constantly flowing tears:
"Sometimes I feel like I have no choice but
be mad at God...I mean...I've been married in the temple...I was raised in the
church....I was active all my life...I read scriptures! How could this happen
to ME? I thought I was doing all the right things...why should I be punished
with this? It's just not fair! And then sometimes I think to myself, 'maybe if
Richard were active we'd have a child.' I could never say that to him...and I
know it's wrong to think that way...but I just feel so mad about all of it! And
then you see all these other girls...and their pregnant bellies and gorgeous
babies...can't help but hate them for it. How am I supposed to be happy in all
this? I can't even talk to anyone about it..."
Hillary's question made
me think as well: How DO you stay happy with all of it? What is endurance
anyway? Is endurance "faking it until you make it" or is it actually
being happy about it all? How are you supposed to be happy about something that
makes you miserable?
While endurance over all
trials is still something that I do not have the answer to, writers Stephen Duncan and Sara Zasukha has given a
great answer to how we can have endurance in our marriage. Researchers have
noticed that commitment in marriage has led to happiness in each individual as
well as for the family as a whole. The writers mention a few ideas for the couple
seeking to nurture their commitment in marriage:
- Intentional Personal Dedication: Each person needs to
make the decision to be committed to each other despite the difficulties.
Duncan and Zasukha write, "This might involve learning to resolve
differences in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient
listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone
together each week, or resolving personal problems."
- Exclusive Cleaving and Unity: The authors remind us that
the Lord commanded in the scriptures that we should cleave onto our
spouses. There is meaning in those words and he suggests we consider them.
- Talk As Friends: Duncan and Zahuskha explain, "Sometimes
our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the
kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also
important to make time to simply talk as friends."
I share these thoughts
with Hillary. The first thing she said was, "...this is the first time
someone hasn't asked me to just try to get Richard to go back to church...I
feel like for once someone isn't expecting me to just 'fix' him."
Hillary had been
struggling to find out how to endure this for a very long time. I could hear
the pain in her voice as she tried to tell me all she had been struggling with
for the last 6 years. But after hearing these ideas, she realized that her
husband was becoming her burden, not her spouse. She had been placing all these
frustrations onto him and blaming him mentally for all the ills that came her
way. She started to realize that this was an opportunity for them to still draw
closer to each other despite the challenges.
Talking to Hillary made
me think of what endurance really meant in the first place. Based on what
the authors explained, it wasn't something that just happened. In order to endure
both people needed to make the mental decision to do so. A healthy relationship
has to be established as well. It seems that endurance isn't faking it until
you make it. Instead it is making a choice. This made me question what things
in my own marriage might be keeping us from having the enduring mindset. I'd
encourage anyone reading this who is married to do the same.
Reference
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